June 17, 2006
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roots
You know everything happens for a reason.
DrTiff asking questions and one of the answers was that I felt isolated, alone, etc. in our homeschooling community.
I spoke with two of my neighbors this morning before 8:30. This was unusal. This felt really good. I haven't spoken to or for that matter, seen my neighbors in weeks.
Stormy asked this morning (she's considering reading The Time Machine), would I go back in time or would I go forward in time. I told her I'd go back in time. She kept pressing, as she does so well, trying to convince me why going in the future would be better -- something about being able to fly. Which is something I've expressed being important to me. Today, though, I told her it's more important to me to go back in time. "Why?" I would go back and meet my parents as an adult. I'd meet my uncles and my grandparents, because it's been a VERY LONG time since I've seen any of them. And I miss them terribly. I've only had memories of them to keep me company.
"I've only had memories of them to keep me company."
What a revelation!! I got choked up.
Then it dawned on my why I've been prolific of late and why I'm trying to keep so busy.
My mother's birthday was June 10. My mother died on June 23. 28 years ago.
This year I wonder will I ever really feel a part of. How do you feel apart of this world after loosing your mother? She's not around to feel grounded to. It feels like I'm kind of floating above the world tethered only by a thin string. Or that I've lost my magnetic North and am aimlessly searching for it.
I want that grounded feeling. I guess now that I know what is missing, so to speak, I can work on it.
I guess that's why a Standing Oak is so important to me. Instead of feeling like a mighty oak with my roots dug down, I'm feeling more like a withering fall leaf today.
Comments (7)
Oh, honey. That is a big revelation. And of course now you've got me thinking.
My dad died on May 3. His birthday is July 6. Now that's interesting. Perhaps that's why this is a tough time of year for me, too.
:heartbeat::love:
Your revelation summed it up perfectly. My first son was born in December 1984 and he passed away after a devastating illness in July 1985. I was alone and pulled into myself even further. I dreaded the months of December and July. Eventually, I emerged back out into the world. I got remarried and had two more children. My ds was born in December and that month became brighter once again. Almost 7 yrs. later, my dd was born in July and I no longer dread that month now. I guess the higher power I call God speaks to us in mysterious ways and heals us if we will only believe and allow the healing to take place. As for my ds#1, I consider myself lucky enough to know who my Guardian Angel is even though "I only have memories of him to keep me company" now.
No wonder you have been feeling like that. Your post touched me deeply. It reminded me of the twisted relationship with my mother and it made me cry for opa (my grandfather), who passed away a few years ago.
Just wanted to let you know that I just posted my photos for the heroes challenge. Immensly inspired by your post!
ryc: actually! just today we spoke about chaperoned dating til 18! lol. heheh, okay, yah, I'm dreaming too.
Hi - I don't really know how I happened upon your blog...think it was a photo thing or something. Anyway - I appreciate your transparency regarding your mom. My mom died in October and I continue to search for ways to feel connected to her - the foods I eat, the songs I sing, the places I go, etc. Mom of 2 year old Gracie, I am often overwhelmed by my love forher. Recently, I am finding comfort in knowing that my mom loved me just as much.
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