I hate waiting.
I want to be able to make a plan and I can't. Not yet. People are wanting to know if I can be available and I have to say "I don't know".
Not knowing makes me squirm.
Bits O' Bliss (thanks Amedea)
Thanks for the shoulder friends!! I am touched by your support and kindness. You'll never really know how much.
I'm having a time trying to schedule my week. There are meetings and events that have been on the calendar for days or weeks. My sister and I go to the oncologist on Tuesday at 2:30 and I am having doubts about scheduling or attending anything beyond that date, that time.
We've been told to expect to "hit the ground running" after meeting the oncologist. What I don't know is if that means that same afternoon, the next day, the next week? I know that what I think something means is not necessarily what someone else means. I hate that. I really want to have a nice, neat list of what is going to happen next. Maybe we'll get that on Tuesday.
This desperate need of knowing, comes, I'm sure from growing up with an alcoholic parent. Always trying to guess his mood, trying to guess how to behave so as not to upset him, trying to feel the mood of the room when I walked in, trying to not be disappointed when we couldn't do something planned because he was drunk and just decided to do something different (like sit and drink some more). <sigh> As an adult I try to keep it all predictable.
However, I think anyone, anywhere, from any background, would be uneasy not knowing what was coming next with the cancer treatment. Or the outcome of the cancer treatment. I don't believe adult children of alcoholics have a corner on that particular market.
You know, I've experienced the death of many of my family. My grandmother, father, mother, aunts and uncles and even a sister, but this "impending" death is really making me look at everything differently. And the mind games . . . they are merciless. For instance some part of myself says "quit worrying, she's gonna die sometime, heck everything dies, why does this make a difference". Another part of myself says "She's dying. Prepare everyone and for everything. She's dying." And then that other part says "what if you prepare and she doesn't die?" And instead of feeling elated, I feel defeated. No matter what I do, there is nothing "I CAN DO" to make this easier or non existent.
I didn't go to church today. I just didn't feel like it. I want to be "fed" spiritually right now and I know that won't happen behind the doors of the church for me. I also am trying to tie up a few loose ends before the week begins -- you know tidying up in case I can't be available for anything else but my sister. Also, Lovebug is coughing AGAIN. I wish we could "cure" her cough. I don't worry about coughing in general, but for Lovebug, it really wears her out, causes her stomach to ache and causes her to get winded easily. I'm hoping if she rests today, she'll be well enough to attend school this week. (Please! do not throw yet another variable into my week!!)
When dh and Stormy get home I plan to take a long walk with Shadow (our dog). It's a beautiful sunny day and it is getting warmer by the minute -- it should be very comfortable by the time I get to it. It is outdoors where I am spiritually fed and especially on beautiful sunny days.
Have a wonderful Sunday.
TK
Hi my friends!!
Long time since I've posted anything. Life has been very full and busy and at times overwhelming.
I had a heart stress test in December (read about that here). I was injected with a radioactive type of dye. One that would "light up" my heart muscle when they scanned it. Then in January my gynecologist changed one of my prescriptions, which caused me to ache all over and fatigue rather easily. After 3 weeks of it, I was able to change it back. However, since that time, I have caught every little bug that my kids have had or been exposed to. YUCK! Just keeping up with the mundane everyday things has been quite a challenge. I believe my immune system was suppressed after receiving the radioactive dye. I don't know that for a fact, but it adds up. I haven't had strep throat in YEARS and right now I'm taking antibiotics for it. I'm hoping this will be the last thing I catch!! Keep your fingers crossed.
The girls are doing well. Stormy has been performing at concerts and events and contests. Both Stormy and Lovebug will be performing at the New Genre Festival on March 10th. You can read more about it here. I'll be there helping dress the audience in "costume". My only worry -- I don't know what to wear!!! Whaaa!!
Spring seems to finally have arrived. Daffodils are blooming around the neighborhood, but not in my yard. I'm hoping to start planting soon. I have 10 strawberry plants waiting to be put in bed. And I've been planning, herbs and flowers and a few vegetables. Unfortunately, I may have to postpone a garden this year.
My sister, who is 13 years my senior, who took me and my brother in to care for us after our parents died, was diagnosed this week with small cell carcinoma. This is the worst type of lung cancer you can get. The best odds I have found for this type of cancer is: only 6% of those diagnosed with this type of cancer make it beyond 5 years. Those are really shitty odds if you ask me. If you do nothing, you die. Quickly! Operation is not an option. Chemo is recommended. Clinical trials are highly recommended. I quote: "All patients with this type of cancer may appropriately be considered for inclusion in clinical trials at the time of diagnosis." At the time of DIAGNOSIS?????? Geez! That is not encouraging. I also quote: "Regardless of stage, the current prognosis for patients with small cell lung cancer is unsatisfactory even though considerable improvements in diagnosis and therapy have been made over the past 10 to 15 years." <heavy sigh>
I am mostly numb about this news. I still don't really believe it. I think it will sink in more when we visit the oncologist on Tuesday. I have been utterly distracted. I wonder what lesson is awaiting me. I wonder if I need to begin planning what to do with her estate. I wonder if this is all worry for not. I wonder if I am strong enough to have faith. Enough faith. I wonder why this could possibly be happening to us. To her. Hasn't she learned all the hard lessons already? Haven't I?
I will probably be posting more, if for no other reason just to vent. I don't even know where to begin on dealing with all of this. I wonder if anyone does?
Love to all,
Trina
