March 4, 2007
-
Worry
Thanks for the shoulder friends!! I am touched by your support and kindness. You’ll never really know how much.
I’m having a time trying to schedule my week. There are meetings and events that have been on the calendar for days or weeks. My sister and I go to the oncologist on Tuesday at 2:30 and I am having doubts about scheduling or attending anything beyond that date, that time.
We’ve been told to expect to “hit the ground running” after meeting the oncologist. What I don’t know is if that means that same afternoon, the next day, the next week? I know that what I think something means is not necessarily what someone else means. I hate that. I really want to have a nice, neat list of what is going to happen next. Maybe we’ll get that on Tuesday.
This desperate need of knowing, comes, I’m sure from growing up with an alcoholic parent. Always trying to guess his mood, trying to guess how to behave so as not to upset him, trying to feel the mood of the room when I walked in, trying to not be disappointed when we couldn’t do something planned because he was drunk and just decided to do something different (like sit and drink some more). <sigh> As an adult I try to keep it all predictable.
However, I think anyone, anywhere, from any background, would be uneasy not knowing what was coming next with the cancer treatment. Or the outcome of the cancer treatment. I don’t believe adult children of alcoholics have a corner on that particular market.
You know, I’ve experienced the death of many of my family. My grandmother, father, mother, aunts and uncles and even a sister, but this “impending” death is really making me look at everything differently. And the mind games . . . they are merciless. For instance some part of myself says “quit worrying, she’s gonna die sometime, heck everything dies, why does this make a difference”. Another part of myself says “She’s dying. Prepare everyone and for everything. She’s dying.” And then that other part says “what if you prepare and she doesn’t die?” And instead of feeling elated, I feel defeated. No matter what I do, there is nothing “I CAN DO” to make this easier or non existent.
I didn’t go to church today. I just didn’t feel like it. I want to be “fed” spiritually right now and I know that won’t happen behind the doors of the church for me. I also am trying to tie up a few loose ends before the week begins — you know tidying up in case I can’t be available for anything else but my sister. Also, Lovebug is coughing AGAIN. I wish we could “cure” her cough. I don’t worry about coughing in general, but for Lovebug, it really wears her out, causes her stomach to ache and causes her to get winded easily. I’m hoping if she rests today, she’ll be well enough to attend school this week. (Please! do not throw yet another variable into my week!!)
When dh and Stormy get home I plan to take a long walk with Shadow (our dog). It’s a beautiful sunny day and it is getting warmer by the minute — it should be very comfortable by the time I get to it. It is outdoors where I am spiritually fed and especially on beautiful sunny days.
Have a wonderful Sunday.
TK
Comments (4)
As overwhelming as all of this is, it sounds as if you are doing a thoroughly wonderful job of preparing (as much as you can be prepared) and knowing not only what you need to do but also knowing your OWN needs to get through this tough time, like the need for spiritual nourishment and renewal during this difficult time. Hang in there. I’ll be thinking of you.
I admire the way you are taking care of yourself in this time. I think you are doing something, something really important. Uncskainch said it much more eloquently than I.
Sometimes going for a walk is so much more spiritually nourishing than any formal service.
:heartbeat: Sending much love to you.
I said “much” three times in that comment. I’m usually better, much better, at editing my words so I don’t sound like an idiot. :p
More {{{{hugs}}}} for you, I am sure it’s much harder KNOWING instead of a sudden going… maybe you could find a way to spend some very cherished time with her, like go on a trip around the world, take a loan out or something, we only live once, that we know of for sure… Huge, huge hugs- you’ve dealt with so much in your life. :heartbeat: